I’m #1 in Speeding

The other day at our annual check-in, my insurance guy Mike recommended I sign up for their “Driver IQ” app. Mike says it tracks your driving in exchange for a 10% base discount that increases as you drive safely.

Now, I don’t much trust insurance companies, but I do trust Mike, and prices going down 10% seems to be a novel idea these days, and anyway Mike promised me that they are legally prohibited from using this data to make me pay more, so I went for it.

Turns out, I’m the best in the whole freaking app at one thing—speeding:

(Technically it means I’m best at not speeding, but you can’t really tell that can you.)

Now, this is objectively a good thing, but it is DEFINITELY NOT a cool thing. I know this because Kelly was neither surprised nor impressed when I showed her. It’s cool to be the best race car driver. It’s not as cool to be the best pace car driver.

Me though? I’m still pumped, because small sample size and questionable methods aside, I now officially belong in this family of champions that I married into.

My niece Cheyenne won a Colorado Basketball State Championship a few weeks ago.

Kelly has two State Championship rings.

And I too now know what it feels like to be #1 …

… which is not that awesome, actually, because the app reduced my discount down to 7% for Kelly picking up my phone to change a song while I was driving and also me braking too hard at a couple of yellow lights that I think weren’t timed all that well.

Turns out, even the best speeder in the world can’t outrun the insurance man.

Would you like a driving lesson? jed@kindandfunny.com.